pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Who knew!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.