Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
i can’t wait that long
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo