So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
You Might Also Like
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?