There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
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I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.