barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.