I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
You Might Also Like
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.