I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver