I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine