Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.