[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.