If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
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CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I wish I were this cool 😂
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face