Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”