I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.