Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
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Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Yeah. This was me today.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.