Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
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[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat