[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.