smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
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“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
crochet youtube is brutal
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.