Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
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I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
This is a true ally.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.