… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly