Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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every single time
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.