I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
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“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Safety first
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…