Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.