Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
True
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
A small tragedy.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt