Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”