If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.