[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
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Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles