Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Finished stitching this today 😇
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies