Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool