I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.