*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.