They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
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Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Muppet Screams
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*