I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell