my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
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man i love columbo
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*