[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.