Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
are they though??
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.