According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Scream sneezers need love too.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567