#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
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Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
FINE, I WON’T.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Employees must applaud the planets.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.