[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.