Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
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My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.