(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches