*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.