[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Waiting for the Charmin
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me when someone tries to get to know me
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and