back to work
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day