[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
how much for the angry fruit?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.