At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
The internet is magic sometimes.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Very good news from my accountant
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.