In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You Might Also Like
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?