It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
no cat here
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring