I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?