oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
You Might Also Like
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.