We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
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[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Was it something I said?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george